


st texting hellhole

by bitchassfuckhead



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Humor, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2020-09-27 17:10:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20411347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitchassfuckhead/pseuds/bitchassfuckhead
Summary: heheh modern au basically where everything’s different n there’s no monsters n everyone’s alive :)





	1. welcome, sluts.

11:32AM

dustin: welcome, sluts.

mike: stfu dude

steve: woah woah woah  
steve: the only slut here is me

robin: wow he finally owns up to it!

jane: stop bullying the boy owo 

lucas: since when did jane get all uhhh  
lucas: shit-posty

mike: since she started hanging out with Max

max: fight me wheeler.

mike: if you want a table up your ass sure

will: guys don’t swear there’s a baby in the chat!!

dustin: lemme guess, Jane?

will: uh no?  
will: me slut

dustin: uh no you can’t call me a slut, steve is right here dude.

steve: hey:(

robin: you JUST called urself a slut 

steve: n what about it 

robin: it’s too early for this

max: it’s kinda not tho

robin: ok  
robin: and? a bitch is till tired

max: fair enough  
————————-  
1:58AM

will: s(he) be(lie)ve(d)

jane: wait  
jane: that’s so deep :(

steve: sbeve 

(Dustin changed Steve’s name to sbeve!)

sbeve: i came here to have a good time and i’m honestly feeling so attacked rn

mike: dead meme sbeve 

sbeve: your face is a dead fucking meme wheeler

mike: fight me old man

sbeve: choke>:(  
————————-  
3:19AM

robin: steve

sbeve: yes?

robin: if i quit scoops ahoy i’m becoming a stripper 

sbeve: nice 

robin: what should my stripper name be???

sbeve: uhhhh  
sbeve: boobin 

robin: w h a t

sbeve: you heard me

(Dustin changed Robin’s name to boobin!)

boobin: dustin

dustin: uhhhh  
dustin: yeah?

boobin: why in the ever fucking fuck are you awake 

dustin: uhhhhhhhhh  
dustin: drugs

boobin: ok  
———————-  
9:57AM

dustin: guys i have a question  
dustin: it’s important 

max: what is it???

dustin: what’s yalls favorite soda

boobin: root beer

sbeve: battery acid  
————————-  
4:31PM

boobin: guys i can’t feel my toes 

sbeve: i’ll feel them for you  
sbeve: wait

boobin: lol you are so stoned rn dude

sbeve: we share a braincells and somehow yours is smarter 

mike: wait you guys are high??

lucas: and you didn’t invite us?!

sbeve: woah chill you guys are like two years old

max: rude

jane: i’m 11 so shut the fuck up

boobin: ok first of all since when do you swear jane  
boobin: and second of all when do you quote vines

(Dustin changed Jane’s name to im11soshutthefuckup!)

im11soshutthefuckup: i like it :)

boobin: damn dustin wit all that name changes 

sbeve: dustin is like god and i’m a fearful mortal  
————————-  
5:07AM

boobin: i trusted steve to do my makeup  
boobin: never again

max: what happened????

boobin: wait why are you awake?

max: my steve being stupid senses tingled

sbeve: rude but fair

boobin: while he was doing i was on my phone so i wasn’t paying attention  
boobin: and this bitch! made me into a clown!

sbeve: oh honey i didn’t make you one  
sbeve: i just accentuated it

boobin: hoe!!  
boobin: i don’t know what i am anymore i’m just a clown


	2. theres a time you gotta be a hoe. that time is now

11:27PM

dustin: hey steve, can you come pick us up? the movie ran later than we thought.

sbeve: nows not a good time  
sbeve: i got my dick stuck in a jar of peanut butter again

dustin: w h a t

max: again???

sbeve: i don’t know why i said that  
sbeve: i’m very tired  
——————-  
8:19:AM

boobin: steve stop being a little bitch and text me back

sbeve: i was sleepinfkgkfofk

boobin: excuses excuses 

sbeve: don’t fucking try me right now or i will come to your house and piss in your garden 

mike: jeez someone’s cranky

boobin: god steve calm down 

sbeve: you can’t make me

boobin: i can make you do a lot of things

sbeve: oh yeah? what?

boobin: die.

sbeve: i wasn’t ready for that

boobin: <3  
——————-  
1:02PM

lucas: did you guys fucking know that snog means kiss

will: wtf

lucas: max  
lucas: will you snog me? <3

max: no  
max: <3

mike: ooh damn lucas you got curved by your own gf 

lucas: fight me right here right now

mike: ok

lucas: do it bitch  
lucas: no balls  
—————-  
5:42PM

boobin: welcome to wise words of steve the hair harrington 

max: oh no

dustin: oh hell yeah!

boobin: “don’t be anybody’s slut but your own”  
boobin: and my personal favorite, “theres a time you gotta be a hoe. that time is now”

mike: damn i can’t believe steve killed keanu reeves with his wisdom 

max: damn i can’t believe mike killed my any chance of happiness 

mike: nah girl that’s ur fault for hanging out with my crusty ass

max: fair  
—————-  
8:19PM

lucas: erica just told me i don’t look dead i just look stupid 

sbeve: damn your ten year old sister spitting facts

lucas: don’t say that  
lucas: she’ll get too powerful 

boobin: ima be real with you guys  
boobin: erica scares the shit out of me 

dustin: she scares the shit out of everybody, robin.

im11soshutthefuckup: i like erica :)  
im11soshutthefuckup: she painted my nails once :))  
—————-  
11:57PM

dustin: you all have shitty names.

(Dustin changed Max’s name to skaterhoe!)

(Dustin changed Mike’s name to bikeal!)

bikeal: choke

(Dustin changed Lucas’s name to sTalKeR!)

(Dustin changed Will’s name to williaint!)

(Dustin changed his name to doostin!)

doostin: perfection.

bikeal: william  
bikeal: williaint 

williaint: yo that’s deep af


	3. funky cold medina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boobin: i asked the guy “why you so fly”
> 
> sbeve: he said “funky cold medina”

6:56PM

bikeal: man there’s so many upgamers nowadays it’s so sad alexa play despacito 

im11soshutthefuckup: what’s upgamers?

bikeal: WELCOME TO ANOTHER MINECRAFT VIDEO

im11soshutthefuckup: what

williaint: i can’t believe you’d upgamer your own girlfriend smh my head

sbeve: we live in a society  
—————-  
9:39PM

sbeve: a spider: huh your rug looks a lot like a giant piece of paper  
sbeve: me coming up behind him with a cup: that IS weird 

skaterhoe: brUh  
—————-  
1:11AM

sbeve: would you guys still love me if i was bald

skaterhoe: no

bikeal: who says i love you to begin with

doostin: yes.

sTalKeR: no, your hair is your best feature 

sbeve: thanks guys  
—————-  
3:17AM

boobin: it is three am

bikeal: yes i can tell time

boobin: and steve pushed me in his motherfucking pool

sbeve: haha suck it robin 

boobin: step on a lego and die

bikeal: ok but if anyone pushes me in a pool i’m drowning myself  
bikeal: hope u enjoy ur murder charge u fucking slut  
—————-  
8:46AM

skaterhoe: it has come to my attention  
skaterhoe: that jane owns platform crocs

im11soshutthefuckup: i gotta serve them looks somehow 

skaterhoe: soKSJSKSIDIDK  
—————-  
10:01AM

boobin: guys i have a really important question  
boobin: is a pop tart a ravioli or a sandwich 

skaterhoe: there is definitely a correct answer here

sTalKeR: uhhh ravioli

sbeve: neither??

boobin: NO PICK ONE STEVE

sbeve: uhhh  
sbeve: ravioli? 

boobin: thank you  
—————-  
1:39PM

bikeal: ngl i got a urge to do a crime  
bikeal: y’all feel me?

skaterhoe: what kind of crime

bikeal: idk vandalism or sumthin

boobin: i know a house you can break into ;)

bikeal: please do tell 

boobin: y’know on my block? that ugly ass green house 

skaterhoe: fuck yes 

williaint: rOBIN  
williaint: DONT ENCOURAGE THEM

skaterhoe: don’t worry will we’ll steal you something nice <3  
—————-  
3:38PM

skaterhoe: they tried to put me on the cover of vouge 

sTalKeR: but my legs were too looooooong  
—————-  
12:55AM

bikeal: creeper 

sbeve: oh no

doostin: awww man

skaterhoe: so we back in the mine

boobin: got out pickaxe swinging from side to side

im11soshutthefuckup: side side to side

sTalKeR: this task a grueling one

williaint: cuz baby tONIGHT

bikeal: W I L L

skaterhoe: WRONG PART WILLIAM

sbeve: jfc  
—————-  
1:05AM

im11soshutthefuckup: what is “funky cold medina”?

sbeve: oh helll yeah

boobin: i asked the guy “why you so fly”

sbeve: he said “funky cold medina”

im11soshutthefuckup: that doesn’t answer my question 

boobin: your point??


	4. we poopin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> doostin: everytime i get up, i feel the capri sun sloshing around where my blood used to be.

6:41PM

williaint: guys uhhh  
williaint: i think jonothan is a flat earther

boobin: w h a t

bikeal: explain pls

williaint: so we were talking and i mentioned something about the earth and if it was flat and i said something along the lines of “if the earth was flat”  
williaint: and he looked at me with a straight face and said “what do you mean if”

sTalKeR: ofufldjdkfjwkdj 

doostin: jonathan has been disowned.  
doostin: good luck trying to change my mind.

sbeve: the earth may be flat but this ass ain’t

skaterhoe: he rises from the dead to say that?

sbeve: what did you expect

skaterhoe: ....  
—————-  
11:18PM

im11soshutthefuckup: what if your hair was like a sweater and if you pulled it it all came unraveling 

skaterhoe: dude  
skaterhoe: go to sleep

im11soshutthefuckup: you can’t tell me what to do  
im11soshutthefuckup: but on a completely unrelated note, good night  
—————-  
2:01AM

doostin: repeat after me,  
doostin: we poopin

williaint: we poopin

skaterhoe: we poopin

sTalKeR: we poopin

bikeal: we poopin

boobin: we poopin

sbeve: what the FUCK is happening 

williaint: we’re poopin steve!!!

sbeve: but what the fuck does this mean? why are you poopin

doostin: he asks why we poopin

sbeve: i hate you all

williaint: you know the meme we irritated??

sbeve: yeah??

williaint: well we poopin

sbeve: i hope you all choke on bath water  
—————-  
4:09AM

skaterhoe: so i’m on tiktok 

bikeal: horrible but go on

skaterhoe: and i realized i’ve never seen hit or miss on tiktok

williaint: wait  
williaint: she right

sbeve: don’t even bring up tiktok anywhere near me or i swear to god i will bend your kneecaps the wrong way

boobin: you literally just texted me like 20 minutes ago saying how you’re addicted to tiktok stfu

doostin: ooh steve got #exposed!

bikeal: rt  
—————-  
4:24AM

doostin: somebody help me 

skaterhoe: are you okay???

doostin: physically? no. mentally? no.  
doostin: i haven’t had water in 4 days

skaterhoe: uh drink water???

doostin:i’ve been drinking nothing but capri suns.

skaterhoe: are you deadass

doostin: my piss smells like fruit punch flavor.

skaterhoe: stop? drinking? capri? suns?

doostin: i am physically unable to.  
doostin: everytime i get up, i feel the capri sun sloshing around where my blood used to be.

sbeve: go. drink. water.  
sbeve: and go! to! sleep!

skaterhoe: mama sbeve strikes again

sbeve: die

doostin: the closest thing i’ve done to sex is all this capri suns i been drinking.

sbeve: what in god’s name does that mean

doostin: sex=capri sun

skaterhoe: sex is capri sun confirmed by dusty bun

sbeve: you both need to stfu and go to bed it’s a tuesday 

skaterhoe: fine  
skaterhoe: mama sbeve


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boobin: IKEA CAN SUCK MY LEFT NUT
> 
> sbeve: PREACH IT SISTER

10:17PM

sbeve: OH MY GOD IVE LOST MY MIND

boobin: BUT WE FINALLY DONE IT BOYS

williaint: what???

doostin: you’re scaring me guys.

sbeve: IKEA

boobin: IKEA CAN SUCK MY LEFT NUT

sbeve: PREACH IT SISTER

bikeal: this is so fucking chaotic

boobin: honey if you think this is chaotic you should’ve seen us nearly destroy a half built desk

sbeve: we deserve a fucking medal for that bullshit i stg  
sbeve: i got a bruise 

boobin: yeah shit was intense   
—————-  
12:38AM

bikeal: are bees animals

doostin: whAt

skaterhoe: what tf do you mean aRe bEeS aNiMaLs

bikeal: are. bees. animals.

sbeve: god has left the chat

boobin: mike, there is no hope for you anymore

bikeal: are y’all trying to tell me  
bikeal: i lived 15 years of my life thinking bees are animals

im11soshutthefuckup: i want a divorce  
—————-  
2:04AM

boobin: STEVE  
boobin: YOU IDIOT 

sbeve: oh god what did i do this time

boobin: THE DESK  
boobin: IT FELL APART

sbeve: no  
sbeve: please be joking

boobin: i’m nOT

sbeve: oh fUCK ME  
sbeve: wait fuck

boobin: what?!

sbeve: the fucking piece we lost 

boobin: i’m killing myself goodnight boys 

bikeal: f

williaint: f

skaterhoe: f

im11soshutthefuckup: f

sTalKeR: f

doostin: f  
—————-  
1:16PM

boobin: after many hours of hard work  
boobin: we fixed the desk

sbeve: i’ve never been in such pain  
sbeve: i can’t feel my fucking hands from all that hammering

doostin: tittle of your sex tape

sbeve: you’re on thin fucking ice kid


	6. grilled Cheebs

[3:48AM]

[sbeve] bitches say they fine then listen to ribs by lorde on repeat 

[sbeve] it’s me

[sbeve] i’m bitches 

[doostin] what the fuck bro, go to bed.

[skaterhoe] yeah dude don’t u like

[skaterhoe] idk, have a fucking job?

[sbeve] ugh don’t remind me >:(

[sTalKEr] u uh

[sTalKEr] u good there sir harrington?

[sbeve] firstly never call me sir harrington again 

[sbeve] and secondly yes

[sbeve] i’m just vibing out to lorde

[williaint] god i wish that were me 

[sTalKeR] then maybe listen to the song? perhaps? possibly?

[williaint] i can’t

[williaint] i don’t feel like it :*

[sTalKeR] jfc will

[willaint] :)

-

[9:07PM]

[boobin] my ear stings and all i feel is thag and the five guys fries in my tummy

[bikeal] wait why tf does your ear sting

[bikeal] and u rlly went to five guys without me 🥺

[boobin] yes and i let mr steeb pierce my ear

[skaterhoe] wtf why

[boobin] bcos i made earrings with babies on them and how else will people know i like girls

[skaterhoe] ahhh true true

[skaterhoe] mad respect 

[boobin] thank you funky skater chick

-

[11:32PM]

[sbeve] repeat after me

[sbeve] hell yeah grilled cheeb time 

[boobin] hell yeah grilled cheeb time 

[doostin] are you guys seriously making grilled cheese sandwiches without us? some world we live in 

[sbeve] stop being so fricking dramatic 

[boobin] we can bring you some grilled Cheeb

[doostin] would you really? 🥺

[boobin] yes of course my strange child friend

[williaint] hey i want one:(

[skaterhoe] me too!!!

[sTalKeR] ooo me!!

[im11soshutthefuckup] same plesse? :)

[sbeve] how can we say no to you guys :)

[bikeal] can i have one too ?

[sbeve] no.

[bikeal] whhh what 

[sbeve] nah i’m just fucking with you wheeler

[boobin] grilled Cheebs for everyone !!!

[skaterhoe] fuck yeah! thanks fun lesbian aunt 

[boobin] sorry i can’t hear you i’m making grilled Cheebs deliveries 

[sTalKeR] fuck yeah babey!!!!!


End file.
